Control

I can't control everything,
Neither can I take the hurt people fling.
The one thing I thought I had controlled,
I watched it, before me fold.

Wanted to take charge of my life,
The simplest things: a struggle and strife.

Suffocated, envying a butterfly,
Sat wondering, what could that imply.

Then it dawned upon me,
This is what I wanted to be.
To set free and fly high,
Nothing to hold me back, tie.

"Absurd! you can't grow wings", I was told.
Indeed, 'twas but a metaphor for remould.

Convinced, I had this symbol on my etched.
This pain, by choice, upon myself I fetched.

The rush, the surge, getting inked brought.
Unlike any other experience, a revelation sort.

A divine creature, on my back spanned,
After a long time I felt grand.
Resplendent blue wings, steadying and tranquil,
Brought the turbulent waves to a calming still.

Now when I feel I might let slip,
The magnificent wings, they help me grip.

My only regret though, things I didn't do,
Wonderful possibilities, I know I blew.

When Gauri was away

Let me tell you a story,
about this girl Gauri.
She had Madonna's smile,
I annoyed her all the while.

We would always bicker and fight,
until one day to UK, she got on a flight.
All was draggy and my boredom reached a new height.
Believe me, that was not a pleasant sight.

Xavier didn't like the empty space,
so he had Neelam have Gauri replace.
Even though Neelam filled the spot beautifully,
that left me no one to bully.

Noone in HR cabin to have a chat,
noone to shout "go away Nida, you are such a brat!!!"

Finally Xavier decided, he was also bored,
took off to the airport in his old ford.
Barely missing accidents, to the airport he reached,
Getting a ticket to Heathrow, with himself pleased.

Xavier said: "Finally with my mates I shall be,
with Carl and Paul, I shall have high tea".
Yet he decided not to send Gauri back,
Oh! come on people, cut her some slack.

Let me go back to tell you about this girl,
her eyes doey, she walked with a swirl.
Her head always bobbed up and down,
but around me, she always wore a frown.

She sits in her cabin, bored with Karthik and Khushbu,
yet she greets them everyday, with charm renew.
Don't fool her for some dumb chick,
She's one smart girl, tough as a brick.

now she's stuck in the guest house with Chirag and Bhavin,
wishing she's be home instead, with her kin.
Xavier thought, sending Monali would be a relief,
When Gauri heard this, she shook her head in disbelief!

Its only a while, when she'll be back here again,
and I can resume my job of being a pain!

Morning walk

When the town was still asleep,
The sun rose silently and began to peep,
Sensed two little eyes on me glance,
A little dog awoke and began to dance.

A lick on my face, a nudge on my arm
At 5 I wake, with no alarm
a soggy brown nose, a wet sniff
Of doggy breath I get a whiff

This is how my day begins,
a whispered bark, and I’m all grins
Wagging his tail, anticipating a walk,
“wake up already”, he’d say if he could talk.

Off to a long walk, with a leap and a trot,
curious, smelling and marking his spot.
We stand while he’s entrapped by a bush,
Till I get bored and give him a push

Every pile, pole & tyre so intriguing,
Its their routine, never fatiguing.

Dogs love their walk, they never whine,
Their sense of poo is far keener than mine.
And only when he finds his place precise,
which he dignifies by smelling it nice.
And circles thrice about, squats and he goes,
Kicks back mud to dispose.

off to navlakhi we go,
Tugging at the leash, ”slow down Snoop, Whoa!!”
A happy frantic Donna we see from far,
A loud bark, Hobbes announcing his arrival in car.

Morning greetings, owners we exchange,
the quadrupeds mark everything strange.

“No! “, “here”, “drop that”.. I shout
just then, Roxie the terror, comes about.
Snoop and Winkey, they’re scared,
But with Donna around, Roxie hasn’t dared.

After three rounds, the dogs they’re tired,
But at the thought of fetch, they’re rewired.
Hobbes is persistent at the game.
Snoops lost interest in the same.

After an hour and a half, we get home.
Exhausted, shoes muddy, after a long roam.
their pace slow, panting – Snoop and Winkey, they look like twins
I wouldn’t change it for a thing. This is how my day begins.

Deranged

I cant turn back time,
Undo mistakes of mine
Things said, done- a regret
anamnesis too bitter to forget

It was hazy, but I can see now
inadvertently to distance bonds, I’d taken a vow
The happy memories, now an illusion
My present – sadness and confusion.
All that I cherished.. an apparent delusion

Looking back, I can’t construe
Was it all real? I have no clue
tried it all, a futile introspection
disoriented, I seek direction

An acerbic realization- too late to change
I’ve accepted – the derange.
Where do I go from here,
Images from the past, haunt and sneer

A struggle to move on, these grudges I hold
“you have to let go”, so I was told
cant!, these wounds are deep, the scars too old
Smile- a pretence, an ego to uphold

I’m tired of this façade, this dissembling and show.
I see the pity, the aware bestow
Its difficult to pretend that I don’t know.
The hatred, it eats me, drains me slow.

Petulance, anger – a feat to regress
through these rhymes I pour and confess
no soul to talk to, understand or express
enshrouded by darkness that has me possess

I tried, I endeavored.. an attempt to sort
from a buddy, received unexpected support
yet alls broken, balance distort
painful soldering, synapses wrought

Things I loved, kept me entertaining,
take ‘em away, it’s now suffocating.
I’m sat here alone, wondering, debating..
No point hating..
This phase should soon fade.. I’m just waiting…

Ramblings..

left without options, life distraught,
alls a mess, lessons life taught

couldn't just sit there, takin it all,
I broke, I caved, I took a fall

Stood up, steadied, brushed it off..
where I sought strength, I got scoff..

people around me, just stared
bruises on me, wounds all bared ,

Stop seeking solace in hearts barren,
disappointment for love, now and again

when will this end, I ask myself..
embarked on a journey, to find oneself

confusion, illusion, chaos and doubt
cries unheard, an inaudible shout

muffled noised, all blur i saw
my only strength.. a little brown paw

A tiring pretence, my daily routine
feigning its all pink fancy and serene

felt alienated, disoriented lost
sleepless nights, in bed i turned and tossed

one quick blow, and all fell apart
all i need now is a head start

want to end this scary night
no one to talk to, narrate my plight

friends and family, have me surround
yet all i feel is anguish profound

A Social Trap

I don’t understand the presumption that, if a woman is unmarried even when she’s in her mid-thirties , it is because she is ugly , or too old, or because she can’t. The attractions of tying the knot elude me. The sham begins at the wedding ceremony. The most repulsive aspect of this costume drama is the bit where the bride and groom are forced to lie. The part when they have to “kubool” the arrangement, or take oath around fire to be together for not just one but 7 lifetimes or till “death do us apart” – is meaningless! It’s not like I’m promising that I’ll turn vegetarian, or I will never drive over 50kmph – these are things I have control over. Falling in and out of love is unpredictable. Promising to be with someone forever is a promise no honest person should make. When you can’t promise loyalty or fidelity to them, how can you promise this and what exactly is a promise anyway. It doesn’t legally bind you to your partner. You can still get a divorce whenever you want. The only thing that a marriage guarantees is that you are more likely to stay married. Even if you see your spouse for years and live in different parts of the world – you would still be married.

If marriage is about this thing called love, the blissfully married cry, then why has there been a 40% increase in divorce rates in the last 5 years? And the other 60% of the marriages cannot be assumed of being ‘happy’ either.

The concept of marriage has never revolved around partnership. Even historically, marriage was a way of transferring ownership of a woman from one man to another. In many cultures, the bride is ‘handed over’ to the groom by her father; this is the symbolic representation of how it has always been a way to perpetuate male dominance over women. No matter how ‘evolved’ we claim our society to be, it will still consider marriage as a woman’s primary job in life. Her needs will be put aside, she is supposed to put her goals on the back burner and help her husband achieve his. When is she allowed to pursue her happiness?

I live in a society that falsely romanticizes marriage, making it sound like a fairy tale. Who doesn’t want to be Cinderella or Prince Charming for a day. But how long does this last. In some cases I know, even less than 3 days (of course they were arranged marriages!). Too often, marriage is an attempt to possess another. When people (think) they’ve found love, they are afraid to let them go. People are afraid of loss. They might fool themselves into believing they’re in love, without even understanding what they mean when they say that. So, what better way to secure someone than marriage? It gives them a (false) sense of security .It definitely makes ending the relationship more difficult.

I, personally, don’t believe in the institution of marriage, I think it has lost its sanctity (if at all there was any in the first place). My intention, behind writing this blog, was not to hurt the sentiments of people who believe in this institution. I do respect women who believe in it and have been planning for it since their childhood. I have friends whose sole purpose of pursuing higher education was to enable their parents find them a better suitor. As Dalai Lama said, "Our purpose in life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment.", if that’s what makes them happy, then good for them. For some marriage could be a source of lasting happiness. For some, it’s just a temporary high!

Faltering beliefs

Anyone who has seen the Wizard of Oz , would remember the scene near the end of the movie where there’s a little man sitting behind the curtains at the controls bellowing into the sound system: “THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ HAS SPOKEN!….”

Sort of reminds you of some religious institutions, doesn’t it? Short, little, insecure men hiding behind big names and fancy titles, sending their followers on Mission Impossible while they themselves live in the lap of luxury , indulge in (secret) sin and political mind games.

These are the kind of people that brain wash you into making large “donations”. These guile “leaders” use words that make the gullible play right into their hands. What is even stranger, is that a majority of their naïve followers comes from a section of, what we call, the well educated classes. If the so-called educated masses buy their humbug of :

“If you live a moral life, deny yourself of pleasures, follow the rituals we prescribe and give us enough money, you’ll have a decent shot at being accepted by god” then its education gone to waste. They shouldn’t be called educated, they are only just literate.

What God would want you to labor, struggle and live in pain or tell you “if you don’t go by MY book, you will rot in hell”. The religious ‘middle men’ have portrayed God as being an unapproachable entity. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a believer, neither am I an atheist. I’m still finding my ground, so until then, I’m happy being an agnostic. But I’m not going to have some long haired, middle aged man tell me that I’m not smart enough to think for myself and he will do the thinking for me.

What do you think was the most important invention in the history of inventions? No it wasn’t electricity, computers or even the internet. It was the printing press. Even the mighty internet is just an extension of Gutenburg ‘s original machine. The first book he printed was the bible. After which, it was translated from Latin to people’s language. Suddenly, everyone could afford a copy. The common man could read and understand it rather than get some guy’s self serving interpretation. The ordinary folks who read it argued that God didn’t need a middleman, or an agent, or a distributor. People could directly go to the source. But the religious institution could not stand the opposition and everyone who raised a voice against it was eliminated.

If a religion puts down women, doesn’t give them enough rights or considers that women are spiritually inferior and must bow down to the authority of men, then it’s very foundations are biased and hollow. The religious bureaucracy of the ancient time (and unbelievably, in the modern time aswell), women were treated as property. If she failed to provide a meal on time, that was reason enough to divorce her (mental note to self: next blog would be on the institution of marriage). If she witnessed a crime, her testimony would not be considered as valid in court. this was because women weren’t considered smart enough to recount what really happened! They have to be wrapped from head to toe in meters of cloth. If they’re found unaccompanied by a male relative, they’re (still) shot on the spot! It was so convenient for selfish men to shove women around in the name of religion. Need I say more?

The religious leaders preach truth, equality among all,and love for all living things. Yet we find that now a days that religion is a mere tool for political propaganda. Religions have run amok in the interests of either Money, Sex or Power. How can you bring your conscious to accept and follow such doctrines?!

I think I believe in spirituality, that isn’t used as a tool to means to control people. I also think I’ve strayed from the topic many times now. I just want to put across that I believe religion is now merely used as a weapon, a tool to rake in money, power and influence. I wanted to blog about this because discussions about religion are not considered ‘polite conversation’. You can’t tell your friends or family about your thoughts. It’s still considered taboo. Why live in fear and isolation when you have the Internet ;)

Journey with Snoop

I hate to admit it, but I dint see how my life had suddenly hit rock bottom. There was a constant feeling of emptiness, a void which I couldn’t seem to fill, no matter what I tried. I wanted someone who’s just be there and listen to my endless cribbing and whining about how unfair the world is, without judging me.

When I first saw Snoop at the airport, I knew it was love at first sight. Whoever said money can’t buy love, didn’t think about little puppies. They’re examples of how big things come in little packages.

From the day I brought him home, never once did I experience the feeling of loneliness. When I introduced Snoop into my life , I began a journey - a journey that has brought me more love and devotion than I’ve ever known.

This journey that I embarked upon has taught me many lessons, about life, about myself, and most of all, about love and fidelity. Love that is unconditional, forgiving, accepting and without expectations. This experience has changed me forever.

Snoop has taught me to savor life’s simple pleasures: jumping in leaves, chasing birds, stopping to sniff the flowers (and everything else you can find.. lol! The ickier, the better), playing in the dust, turning around thrice before finding the coziest spot to lie on, the joy of puddles and even the satisfaction of a good scratch behind the ears. He’s also taught me to enjoy spending time outdoors, and how to truly experience every element, for no rock or leave goes unexamined, no bush overlooked, and even the air inhaled will be pondered upon, and noted as being full of valuable information.

Lately, I’ve realized how my life was on autopilot, my goal being to complete the trail rather than enjoy the journey. All this while I’ve been missing the details – strange bugs, funny shaped mushrooms, the bees, rotting logs, feathers floating beautifully down to the ground, and how lovely the rain moistened earth smelled. Once you walk as a dog does, you discover a whole new world. I did. I now kick over leaf heaps, jump into puddles, look around. I’ve learnt what every dog already knows: nature is marvelously complex, full of surprises and ever-changing and each day, an essence in its own.

Even when I’m indoors, I find myself attuned to the world around me. I’ve caught myself watching frogs hop around, noticing the insects hovering around the windows, observing how the monkeys enjoy basking in the sun. the fact that there is no objective in doing this, is irrelevant .The point is to not let these details slip by again.

I’ve found myself doing silly things, talking in baby language and using funny nicknames- things my pet-less friends don’t understand.

Until recently I thought I knew what love was, boy was I wrong !! If you think humans understand what fidelity and compassion is all about, think again. We’re nowhere even close to interpreting what these words mean. But we can learn the true measure of love – the unshakable, undying, ever loyal kind that says: “ It doesn’t matter where we are or what we do, as long as we’re together”. My respect for animals has grown, while I’ve lost what respect I had for the human race.

Even though the people who know me will think I wear an air of snob around me, but believe me, I’ve learnt humility. Often, the look in Snoop’s eyes makes me feel ashamed. Such joy and respect in return for the little that I do for him. He saw not some flawed, imperfect human who could be moody and rude, short-tempered and stubborn, but only his wonderful companion. Or maybe he did see those imperfections and dismissed them as mere human follies, not worth considering and chose to love me anyway. Something humans are definitely not capable of.

From now on, I will strive to be a better person, a person Snoop believes me to be.