Deranged

I cant turn back time,
Undo mistakes of mine
Things said, done- a regret
anamnesis too bitter to forget

It was hazy, but I can see now
inadvertently to distance bonds, I’d taken a vow
The happy memories, now an illusion
My present – sadness and confusion.
All that I cherished.. an apparent delusion

Looking back, I can’t construe
Was it all real? I have no clue
tried it all, a futile introspection
disoriented, I seek direction

An acerbic realization- too late to change
I’ve accepted – the derange.
Where do I go from here,
Images from the past, haunt and sneer

A struggle to move on, these grudges I hold
“you have to let go”, so I was told
cant!, these wounds are deep, the scars too old
Smile- a pretence, an ego to uphold

I’m tired of this façade, this dissembling and show.
I see the pity, the aware bestow
Its difficult to pretend that I don’t know.
The hatred, it eats me, drains me slow.

Petulance, anger – a feat to regress
through these rhymes I pour and confess
no soul to talk to, understand or express
enshrouded by darkness that has me possess

I tried, I endeavored.. an attempt to sort
from a buddy, received unexpected support
yet alls broken, balance distort
painful soldering, synapses wrought

Things I loved, kept me entertaining,
take ‘em away, it’s now suffocating.
I’m sat here alone, wondering, debating..
No point hating..
This phase should soon fade.. I’m just waiting…