Good Indian Girls ...

* For my non-hindi-speaking friends : Beti/bete = Daughter, Theek hai = Alright , Samajhdar = sensible

"You want to Whaaaat???!!!? " Umm.. Go to Canada dad, now calm down!

Ever been on a roller coaster? Or jumped into a pool of sharks with an iron cage around you? Or went bungee jumping? Well, you might know you'll be safe, but there's nothing that will calm the butterflies in your stomach or make the palpitations go away just before you take the plunge. This is exactly what I felt an hour before I decided its about time I tell my dad that I want to move to Canada.

I wanted to break free, travel, meet people, make snow angels, get more tattoos - live on my own! I wanted to experience life on my own terms, I can't do that in India! And, being an Indian girl let me tell you, isn't easy! An Indian girl is a ticking time bomb.

"Bete now you should be settling down" - read : get married!
Dad, I am just 23. I have a lotta time to settle down !
He gave me the expression which said " you really want to be the thirty-something in the family to marry the leftovers"
Jeez. Leftovers. Thats what my dad calls all the baldies and the divorcees, since these are the guys you have to choose from if you decide to marry post-thirty.

So I did my math. I have about , maybe, a 7 year bracket right? Right??

WRONG! If you're a brown girl, you know you have two neat choices - academics or marriage. I chose Academics. Now that my program is coming to an end, I am reminded of my expiry date, my very limited shelf-life! Well my parents gave up with all the "beti, you should be thinking about marriage", (for now!!! ) i know this won't last long. Everyday, I am reminded of my doomed future if I choose to stay single. See, Indian parents don't hand you a 'Kit Kat' if you want to take a break from life. 'Break from life' does not exist in the Indian society dictionary! Sigh!!

So, what do you tell them? I have decided to get a third degree! "What? you already have a masters". But dad, this is an advanced program, its really cool!

"But why Canada, you can study here too". Can I? Sure! But do I want to? NO!!

But if I said instead: daddy dearest, here is my high resolution photograph in an indian outfit so that you can put it up on 'Shaadi.com' & that I am ready to make little brown babies,I would've been rewarded with a "Aren't-I -lucky-to-have-such-a-samajhdar-beti" look! But instead this not-so-samajhdar-beti decided to fly half way across the globe to be herself.

"Theek hai, go, do what makes you happy. I hope you find a good Indian boy there".
Parents, I tell you... will never change

:D

Those Big Brown Eyes

Those big brown eyes, in my dreams they speak

Soul-stirring, like answers they seek..

“Why did you leave me behind? “What Can I say..?

My only answer “my state - disarray"

Those big brown eyes, often haunt

"Did our friendship mean anything to you?” they taunt

Only the world to me, it meant! I wish I could express

But you my friend, the only one, can sense my distress

Those big brown eyes, question me

"Will we ever meet again?" is there a guarantee?

Of course my friend, nothing else would fill this void,

Mere thought of the day, I’m overjoyed!

Those big brown eyes, they comforted my lamentation

With no one to talk to - you were my only consolation

When you were around, I felt safe, protected

Over my problems many a hours, we sat -together pondered and reflected

Those big brown eyes, even though never a solution they'd provide

You’d just being there by me, till the pain would subside.

We would run and play together; you'd even dance with me in the rain

Despite my follies and insolences - not once you complained

Those big brown eyes, I left behind confused,

"Was it me? Was I refused?"

That can never be. I bought you home when you were a pup,

The thought of being away from you, would make me choke up

Those big brown eyes, I so long to see

Soon together we'd be chasing birds again - you and me

Control

I can't control everything,
Neither can I take the hurt people fling.
The one thing I thought I had controlled,
I watched it, before me fold.

Wanted to take charge of my life,
The simplest things: a struggle and strife.

Suffocated, envying a butterfly,
Sat wondering, what could that imply.

Then it dawned upon me,
This is what I wanted to be.
To set free and fly high,
Nothing to hold me back, tie.

"Absurd! you can't grow wings", I was told.
Indeed, 'twas but a metaphor for remould.

Convinced, I had this symbol on my etched.
This pain, by choice, upon myself I fetched.

The rush, the surge, getting inked brought.
Unlike any other experience, a revelation sort.

A divine creature, on my back spanned,
After a long time I felt grand.
Resplendent blue wings, steadying and tranquil,
Brought the turbulent waves to a calming still.

Now when I feel I might let slip,
The magnificent wings, they help me grip.

My only regret though, things I didn't do,
Wonderful possibilities, I know I blew.

When Gauri was away

Let me tell you a story,
about this girl Gauri.
She had Madonna's smile,
I annoyed her all the while.

We would always bicker and fight,
until one day to UK, she got on a flight.
All was draggy and my boredom reached a new height.
Believe me, that was not a pleasant sight.

Xavier didn't like the empty space,
so he had Neelam have Gauri replace.
Even though Neelam filled the spot beautifully,
that left me no one to bully.

Noone in HR cabin to have a chat,
noone to shout "go away Nida, you are such a brat!!!"

Finally Xavier decided, he was also bored,
took off to the airport in his old ford.
Barely missing accidents, to the airport he reached,
Getting a ticket to Heathrow, with himself pleased.

Xavier said: "Finally with my mates I shall be,
with Carl and Paul, I shall have high tea".
Yet he decided not to send Gauri back,
Oh! come on people, cut her some slack.

Let me go back to tell you about this girl,
her eyes doey, she walked with a swirl.
Her head always bobbed up and down,
but around me, she always wore a frown.

She sits in her cabin, bored with Karthik and Khushbu,
yet she greets them everyday, with charm renew.
Don't fool her for some dumb chick,
She's one smart girl, tough as a brick.

now she's stuck in the guest house with Chirag and Bhavin,
wishing she's be home instead, with her kin.
Xavier thought, sending Monali would be a relief,
When Gauri heard this, she shook her head in disbelief!

Its only a while, when she'll be back here again,
and I can resume my job of being a pain!

Morning walk

When the town was still asleep,
The sun rose silently and began to peep,
Sensed two little eyes on me glance,
A little dog awoke and began to dance.

A lick on my face, a nudge on my arm
At 5 I wake, with no alarm
a soggy brown nose, a wet sniff
Of doggy breath I get a whiff

This is how my day begins,
a whispered bark, and I’m all grins
Wagging his tail, anticipating a walk,
“wake up already”, he’d say if he could talk.

Off to a long walk, with a leap and a trot,
curious, smelling and marking his spot.
We stand while he’s entrapped by a bush,
Till I get bored and give him a push

Every pile, pole & tyre so intriguing,
Its their routine, never fatiguing.

Dogs love their walk, they never whine,
Their sense of poo is far keener than mine.
And only when he finds his place precise,
which he dignifies by smelling it nice.
And circles thrice about, squats and he goes,
Kicks back mud to dispose.

off to navlakhi we go,
Tugging at the leash, ”slow down Snoop, Whoa!!”
A happy frantic Donna we see from far,
A loud bark, Hobbes announcing his arrival in car.

Morning greetings, owners we exchange,
the quadrupeds mark everything strange.

“No! “, “here”, “drop that”.. I shout
just then, Roxie the terror, comes about.
Snoop and Winkey, they’re scared,
But with Donna around, Roxie hasn’t dared.

After three rounds, the dogs they’re tired,
But at the thought of fetch, they’re rewired.
Hobbes is persistent at the game.
Snoops lost interest in the same.

After an hour and a half, we get home.
Exhausted, shoes muddy, after a long roam.
their pace slow, panting – Snoop and Winkey, they look like twins
I wouldn’t change it for a thing. This is how my day begins.

Deranged

I cant turn back time,
Undo mistakes of mine
Things said, done- a regret
anamnesis too bitter to forget

It was hazy, but I can see now
inadvertently to distance bonds, I’d taken a vow
The happy memories, now an illusion
My present – sadness and confusion.
All that I cherished.. an apparent delusion

Looking back, I can’t construe
Was it all real? I have no clue
tried it all, a futile introspection
disoriented, I seek direction

An acerbic realization- too late to change
I’ve accepted – the derange.
Where do I go from here,
Images from the past, haunt and sneer

A struggle to move on, these grudges I hold
“you have to let go”, so I was told
cant!, these wounds are deep, the scars too old
Smile- a pretence, an ego to uphold

I’m tired of this façade, this dissembling and show.
I see the pity, the aware bestow
Its difficult to pretend that I don’t know.
The hatred, it eats me, drains me slow.

Petulance, anger – a feat to regress
through these rhymes I pour and confess
no soul to talk to, understand or express
enshrouded by darkness that has me possess

I tried, I endeavored.. an attempt to sort
from a buddy, received unexpected support
yet alls broken, balance distort
painful soldering, synapses wrought

Things I loved, kept me entertaining,
take ‘em away, it’s now suffocating.
I’m sat here alone, wondering, debating..
No point hating..
This phase should soon fade.. I’m just waiting…

Ramblings..

left without options, life distraught,
alls a mess, lessons life taught

couldn't just sit there, takin it all,
I broke, I caved, I took a fall

Stood up, steadied, brushed it off..
where I sought strength, I got scoff..

people around me, just stared
bruises on me, wounds all bared ,

Stop seeking solace in hearts barren,
disappointment for love, now and again

when will this end, I ask myself..
embarked on a journey, to find oneself

confusion, illusion, chaos and doubt
cries unheard, an inaudible shout

muffled noised, all blur i saw
my only strength.. a little brown paw

A tiring pretence, my daily routine
feigning its all pink fancy and serene

felt alienated, disoriented lost
sleepless nights, in bed i turned and tossed

one quick blow, and all fell apart
all i need now is a head start

want to end this scary night
no one to talk to, narrate my plight

friends and family, have me surround
yet all i feel is anguish profound